The Start of the Second Satanic Scroll

After I heard that the NRA had declared war
On the ACLU I knew it was high time for
Me to intervene, because careful examination of historical pages
Suggested Earth was headed for something much like the Dark Ages
If I couldn’t topple the administration that caused so much fear
But I couldn’t force them to leave – they’d have to volunteer
Because the benefits of wars and assassinations
Are almost always outweighed by the complications
I asked my most trusted advisor what he thought I should do
And my most widely respected offspring didn’t have a clue
Then it hit me like an apple falling from a tree
Jesus didn’t have to answer – the answer was he

I sent an E-mail to the President saying he was hereby presented
With the chance to have his legacy of supreme greatness cemented
By taking the one known as Jesus Christ by the hand
And introducing him to the world on American land

I told him that first he’d have to perform respectably in a debate
In three chances – one time he’d have to not seem third-rate
Which meant that his opponent would not do twice as well
Which quickly convinced him – he was going to Hell

Others weren’t as easily convinced – some suspected deception
But a simple traceable phone call put an end to that perception
I insisted that most important Republican officials absolutely had to come
Otherwise the President would surely return empty-handed, looking dumb –
Er than usual, so they all came so the Prez could be put to the test
It wasn’t that administration’s worst idea – but far from the best

Skipping ahead, this is what was said in debates lost
By the one challenging Shakespeare and Robert Frost