Even Stranger Than Expected

I knocked on the door and was ignored
So I rang the bell, which was so loud it shook the floor
Then came a loud, “ Who woke me up? I don’t believe the gall!”
The door opened to reveal someone just three feet tall
I felt somewhat less frightened and expressed regret
But said it was 3 PM and I did not get
How three in the afternoon could be late
Then his expression changed like I did something great
He said he was glad I rang and didn’t just knock
Since apparently he forgot to set his alarm clock
He said there was research that had to be done
That involved obituaries – so probably not much fun

Then the small man found his watch and told me, “Ahem.
It’s not 3 O’ Clock yet, it’s just five AM
There is no sun underground so we don’t need time zones
It’s the same time in all of Hell, so leave me alone
And don’t come back until twenty to eight”
With that he picked me up and threw me through the open gate

I sat, waited, and wondered if this was real
I thought if I succeeded, I might get a book deal
Which was the only happy thought that I had
Since mostly I thought about how terribly bad
Things seemed like they were certain to be
Not to mention I was still hungry and thirsty
In my persistent panic I didn’t plan well
That’s a common problem for me - in case you couldn’t tell

I got in a little after eight – feeling very tired
And the small man with the loud voice asked what I desired
I said, “I wanna see…um…Satan. Is that okay?”
He asked, “Do you mean Nick? He’s very far away.”
I said if he’s within five miles, I’m sure that I could hike it
He said, “More like five hundred. He likes it where it’s quiet.
It’s a long commute. You’ll get hungry and thirsty
I’ll give you supplies if you prove yourself worthy
We’ll engage in three contests, and you
Don’t need to win three, but at least two.”

At first he challenged me to a running race
Which should have been easy, but I couldn’t keep pace
In my state of being almost totally famished
So I lost, then my hopes practically vanished
When he said that next was an arm wrestling match
Since earlier he picked me up like I was an eye-patch
I lost about as soon as the competition began
Then I turned to leave, not really having a plan