Two New Huge Religions

After three hundred years TIFKAA refused to wait longer
To do something that would make him feel stronger
So, planning to use his weather machine
He went to the Emperor Constantine
And told him he could thin the enemy’s ranks
By using a divine wind, and as thanks
Constantine would ensure that much of humanity
Would belong to the religion known as Christianity
He’d say he saw TIFKAA in a vision – a dream
Because the actual face to face meeting would seem
Quite unbelievable to the common man
So each party acted exactly according to plan
And Emperor and deity both emerged victorious
But success wasn’t just theirs, I had a glorious
Discovery – that the sphere that let me live eternally
Reproduced itself when in an environment that’s infernally
Hot, which allowed for the revival
Of many more since I could allow survival
Of as many as I wanted, which kept me busy
And drove TIFKAA into a tizzy
Since as powerful as he was, he felt I had the upper hand
Which bothered him for reasons I somewhat understand
But apart from animosity, everything was fine –
I stayed out of his world, and he stayed out of mine

As the dark ages descended and Europe became a mess
TIFKAA’s failure to fix things was causing him stress
He tried to talk to kings, he tried to talk to monks
But none obeyed him, so he gave up and got drunk
All over the world – the self-proclamed Lord of all creation
Overindulged in a torrid and arid location
Where a merchant gave TIFKAA free drinks with the intent
That on other goods, an excess of money would be spent
And the trader imbibed, but not nearly as much
And they got to talking about religion and such
The salesman said he felt all faiths weren’t the true one
So the plastered immortal suggested that he start a new one
And gave him advice on how religion-starters do things
About fusing time-tested concepts with new things

TIFKAA’s advice was heeded, and the merchant succeeded
In creating a religion that many have faith in
With a motive that far from all know, he outlawed alcohol so
People wouldn’t utilize it in order to replace him

And TIFKAA was miserable when he awoke
His level of fluid depletion bordered on heatstroke
As he felt a rising inside him and then watched it plummet
He swore off alcohol and all that came from it
Although his spheres saved him from death from dehydration
He still maintained his hate for that faith by association
This hatred pervaded him so in time he persuaded
Pope Urban to send out the first soldiers that crusaded