How This Story Almost Didn't Exist, Part I

A series of events, which seemed unfortunate at the time, are responsible for a complete 17,000 word poem being available for your viewing (hopefully) pleasure. I was supposed to graduate collenge in the Spring of 2004, but a failure to account for the difficulty of taking four seminars in one year prevented that from happening. I'd rather not go into much detail here quite yet, but thoughts racing through my head one Friday evening during that extra were responsible for the original inspiration for the story.

I'm not exactly sure on times, but I think that the 2004 presidential election was very close to when I started writing the story. I might have written something longer than what I'm used to writing if Kerry had won the election, but Elephant News certainly wouldn't have taken the direction that it ended up taking. Overall, I still wish ush hadn't won but at least something positive came out of this strategy.

Then there was the computer, but that's another story for another day.

The actual story starts in the March 31st archive, the name of that post is "An inauspicious beginning". I had posted the poem starting with the last part so the beginning is at the top.

What Is This?

It's a very large poem that I wrote. I posted a lot of it in another blog, but now I'm giving it its own blog. Just start reading.

Inauspicious Beginning

At eight in the morning I rolled out of bed
Since I had to make what some people call bread
Not the kind that is ingested but the kind that can be spent
Since the writing I was trying wasn’t paying the rent
I saw the girl who made my failure easier to bear
And I kissed her goodbye
I expected warm skin but the warmth wasn’t there
And I started to cry
She was tired but healthy when we went to sleep
Suddenly she seemed lifeless like Dolly the sheep

How did I feel then? I’ll try to explain
At night I felt crazy about her – In the morning I felt insane
I took a while before I asked her out – I blame irrational fears
But when I finally did she said yes, and those were the best 2 years
Of my life and then somehow she’s just gone
I felt like my life was a bad love song, and I could not go on
I stayed home feeling empty like an ice cream free cone
Until I summoned the courage to call the police on the phone
They sent someone to take her body and perform an analysis
Then I reverted to my state of emotional paralysis
I ordered some pizza and didn’t do much else but curse
And I felt that my fate could not get any worse

Mail on Sunday?

I don’t want to obey Murphy’s Law but I’ve found
That it’s not up to me to follow it – it follows me around
What can go wrong will is almost always true
And when things can’t get worse somehow they still do
When I hit rock bottom I can still fall much more
Since it’s a lot further to get to the Earth’s core
In this case my continued plummet came late Saturday morning
With a call from law enforcement types that served as a warning
That I somehow was the main suspect in her murder
They were totally wrong – I never would hurt her
But the autopsy showed lethal levels of strychnine
Which was on a dart tip that was lodged in her spine
And they were writing a warrant for my arrest
Like I didn’t have enough reason to be depressed
They said to say put, and if I tried to flee
Parole would be out of the question for me


I took a look at my dartboard and as I feared
The tip of one of my darts had disappeared

There were two possibilities – either I had been framed
Or I was nuts and nobody was trying to tarnish my name

I felt fine before Friday morning, but on Saturday sweat was dripping
From me despite a lack of heat and I thought my sanity was slipping
I thought about what I lost and wished my bed was more crowded
I kept my phone off the hook since I didn’t want to talk about it
I still don’t want to say more about what was going through my head
That Saturday when I stayed almost the whole day in bed
I fell asleep without anything else going wrong
Convinced my good fortune would not last very long

The next day was not deficient in shocks
First of all, I found a letter in my mailbox
There has never been Sunday mail as far as I’m aware
But the source of the mail was even more rare
“One Infernal Avenue” was the return address
I hoped that it would explain why my life was a mess
So I opened it and I read
And this is what it said:

The Letter

Greetings Mister Stevenson,

I trust that this letter finds you in
Spirits that aren’t exactly high
And I can definitely understand why
You might be extremely agitated
Since your girlfriend was accidentally assassinated
It was an honest mistake – two floors above you
There is a Sam Wilson who I know doesn’t love you
That one’s Samuel not Samantha, and he was creating
A new disease that would have been completely devastating
I had to get them both just in case – it was a pre-emptive strike
She can come back alive to your place – but first you must hike
And prove yourself worthy where you’ve heard it is burning
The password for the week is “Halliburton Ernie”
The path starts in the basement of the New York Stock Exchange
You might think that to take that road you’d have to be deranged
But we both know quite well you have no other choice
Don’t forget to bring water and do not lose your voice
Good luck – you will need it
Burn this letter after you read it

Nicholas of Corinth
(Nothing rhymes with Corinth)

Thinking Seussically

I’ve heard that good intentions pave the road to Hell
Which means it’s not good enough just to mean well
You must also pay money to get your salvation
Which helps the corrupt clergy pay for vacations
Or it might imply something a lot less depraved
Either way, the road that I walked on wasn’t paved

It’s a tunnel carved through the Earth’s mantle and crust
With air conditioning but still so hot that you must
Bring much more water than I had brought with me
After half an hour of trekking my bottle was empty
So I got really thirsty and I contemplated
Things I would not have thought about if I had been hydrated


I thought that the reason for this pathway’s locations
Was that brokers used the road to obtain information
From Satan that would serve to tell
Them when to buy and when to sell
It seems like quite a hike especially uphill
But if greed’s powerful enough to make someone kill
Then surely it can make one not mind physical strain
And this is what I thought as I fought through the pain:

Face flushed, feeling far from fine
And now I see a neon sign
It says I have a mile to go
My energy level is really low
And I know that my body’s taken lots of abuse
When I feel like I’m in a book by Dr. Seuss
Since I am having hallucinations
Of cats with hats giving me Solla Sollewtations
I don’t even know how that thought came to be
Oh the drinks I could drink and still think more clearly!
I’m hungry I could use some green eggs and ham
Maybe I could get them from Sam-I-Am
Sammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
How could this be? How is this true?
How am I in this heat so far away from you?
And will I find you or was the letter a lie?
I’ve been told I should not trust that Satan guy
But also that you can’t succeed if you don’t try
So I go down this road although my throat’s really dry
Driven by the sliver of hope that she’s still alive
And my soles are eroding since the road is hot and long
The coals hurt my feet but won’t deter me I’ll be strong
Wait. Is that the gate?
It is. Great!

Even Stranger Than Expected

I knocked on the door and was ignored
So I rang the bell, which was so loud it shook the floor
Then came a loud, “ Who woke me up? I don’t believe the gall!”
The door opened to reveal someone just three feet tall
I felt somewhat less frightened and expressed regret
But said it was 3 PM and I did not get
How three in the afternoon could be late
Then his expression changed like I did something great
He said he was glad I rang and didn’t just knock
Since apparently he forgot to set his alarm clock
He said there was research that had to be done
That involved obituaries – so probably not much fun

Then the small man found his watch and told me, “Ahem.
It’s not 3 O’ Clock yet, it’s just five AM
There is no sun underground so we don’t need time zones
It’s the same time in all of Hell, so leave me alone
And don’t come back until twenty to eight”
With that he picked me up and threw me through the open gate

I sat, waited, and wondered if this was real
I thought if I succeeded, I might get a book deal
Which was the only happy thought that I had
Since mostly I thought about how terribly bad
Things seemed like they were certain to be
Not to mention I was still hungry and thirsty
In my persistent panic I didn’t plan well
That’s a common problem for me - in case you couldn’t tell

I got in a little after eight – feeling very tired
And the small man with the loud voice asked what I desired
I said, “I wanna see…um…Satan. Is that okay?”
He asked, “Do you mean Nick? He’s very far away.”
I said if he’s within five miles, I’m sure that I could hike it
He said, “More like five hundred. He likes it where it’s quiet.
It’s a long commute. You’ll get hungry and thirsty
I’ll give you supplies if you prove yourself worthy
We’ll engage in three contests, and you
Don’t need to win three, but at least two.”

At first he challenged me to a running race
Which should have been easy, but I couldn’t keep pace
In my state of being almost totally famished
So I lost, then my hopes practically vanished
When he said that next was an arm wrestling match
Since earlier he picked me up like I was an eye-patch
I lost about as soon as the competition began
Then I turned to leave, not really having a plan

Crazy Thoughts

Then he yelled to tell me he’d give me food to eat
Since the whole point of that was so he could compete
I could’ve been angry about how I’d been deceived
Or about all the extra effort, but mostly I felt relieved

But the relief didn’t last through the whole train ride
If I said I wasn’t nervous then, then I would have lied
I was afraid Satan would see the same things I saw
In you-know-who and was doing things that would break the law
If the laws down below were the same as those above
But maybe she could fight him off with the power of love
But thinking such a cliché could work there’s as hard to believe
As the idea that certain long-time failure could achieve
Two terms in the highest office in the land –
Something in which Satan most likely had a hand
And now that devil was probably doing the same thing to my girl
As Dubya had done to practically the entire world
So I decided that I would kill Satan
For what he was doing in my runaway imagination
Which appeared to be figuratively doing more
Drugs than I had heard of, so I ignored
What my mind had to say and then I ate my meal
Then went to sleep hoping this would all not be real
But when I awoke, I heard someone tell
Me that we were at the center of Hell

The Devil Wears Duct Tape

The room I’m typing this in is about as hot
As Hell because most of the underworld is not
Torrid at all because the many scientists there
Discovered over time how to manipulate the air
And, feeling like it was early May
I saw the man whom many say
Can take your soul and give you fame
While neither is true – he did know my name

He looked about fifty – but wasn’t that young
He has horns and a tail, which both clearly clung
To him with the help of tape that my eyes were seeing
Other than that he looked completely like a human being
He spoke to me in a voice that could have come from a Bob
And asked me quite seriously if I wanted his job

I shouted, “Of course not! I came to rescue
My girlfriend who you said is down here with you!”

“I figured you’d say that,” he said with a sigh
“Nobody wants to do my job, not even me so I try
Every chance I get to transfer this burden
And I can’t quit on all these people that much is for certain”

I told him I thought many would want to rule Hell
He said they were probably too immoral to do it well
Morality mattering here seems strange if you forget
That you can spend a day here without breaking a sweat


Then he told me that if I would be spending time below
There were certain things that I would have to know
And he told me that how well I learned this information
Could determine whether I would avoid frustration
But he wouldn’t tell me what I needed to succeed
Out loud – instead he gave me a pamphlet to read

Too Much of A Good Thing

The True History of Heaven and Hell
By Nicholas of Corinth (I hope I’ve done well)



In the year now known as 1380 B.C.
I vacationed on an island in the Aegean Sea
It was ordinary as far as vacationing goes
Until a spaceship landed thirty feet from my toes

I knew a story was unfolding, but what would it entail?
The spaceship’s door opened and out stepped a human male
He greeted us in Greek – the surprise was clear from my face
I asked him how he knew Greek if he was from outer space
The fact that he wasn’t from Earth was absolutely clear
Since I knew the first airborne earthlings would live around here
And ships were the only method we had of quick cruisin’
He couldn’t be Hellenic, so there was one possible conclusion
But if that was true, why did he look so much like I did?
To ask him that question in Greek was what I decided
To do but he just babbled in some very foreign tongue
Until an artist who happened to be among
Us spoke through the universal language of drawing
Which lasted for hours, after which I saw things
Which, to say the least, came as quite a surprise
As far as I know it is all true, no lies
And here’s a bit of trivia you might want to know
The artist later adopted the name of Apollo

A cause of confusion at the initial meeting
Is that his word for shock was mine for greeting
He came from a planet slightly smaller than our own
Which, for reasons that are not fully known
Has the same climate as the third planet from our sun
Which let humanity develop independently on each one

The reason he showed up by the shore
Was that his planet’s thinkers figured out how to cure
Every disease that can afflict mankind
With a synthetic orb that he said we could find
Forty of in his spaceship – but that’s not all he said
They could halt the aging process and revive the dead
Which is not something a truly wise man endorses
Since prolonging life doesn’t create natural resources

Soon there was little room to move and less food to eat
Everybody was alive but all lives were incomplete
Except on an island where hundreds had gone
When they realized the dangers of living on and on
When the orbs were made, so they lived and they died
And in each generation, there were some who tried
To figure out how to help the poor souls living where
There were orb-wielding activists who just did not care
How bad life had become – it could not be lost
It had to be preserved at whatever the cost

Death of a Pilgrim

It took quite a while to get the thing right
But they created a ship capable of flight
Not only in the sky but outside the atmosphere
And that had a magnetic effect on those spheres
That ruined the lives of so many on that world
So, many were picked up and into space they were hurled
Many stayed because their owners wouldn’t part with them
Others went in ships since couples had colonies to start with them
And starting a settlement with two people and no guarantee
Of survival is dumber than universal immortality
Our guest was supposed to start a new
Civilization starting from two
But one the way, his companion died
Since they spent too much time inside
The same ship together – about five lifetimes
So she stepped into what we see at nighttime
So his only choice was to find a place
That was home to members of the human race

Scientists on the island he lived on figured out
That if intelligent life is walking about
It was likely to be of the same species as they
Were which they concluded by analyzing DNA
I cannot explain since I don’t comprehend it
But they made a device that was intended
To detect human DNA from hundreds of miles
Away which is what brought him to the Aegean isle

Where many didn’t trust him because he wasn’t Grecian
He was even more foreign than a Phoenician
And he had the power to control the whole Greek population -
Completely unacceptable for someone from an alien nation
One of us who couldn’t stomach it stabbed the pilgrim in the gut
And then he was like, “I’m Ares! I’m the god of war! What!
Yes I vanquished he who would take what he should not
Have and through my victory all of us have got
The chance to control the world with these small blue balls
Now is everyone with me, or must I kill you all?”

Nobody disobeyed the lunatic with the blade
So we looked in the ship and nobody was dismayed
Everything that the murdered man claimed to possess
Was inside and found easily – there was an anti-mess
There was a jet pack that could make you a frequent flyer,
A stringed instrument that would be known as the lyre,
Invisibility cloaks that made it easy to hide,
A machine that was able to control the tides,
2 Machines that controlled the weather in the sky,
A 3 headed puppy, and the spheres that help you not die
We divided the prizes, and then everyone
Except me went up to Olympus, not because it would be fun
But because it was said that it couldn’t be done

Spreading the Gift of Immortality

I didn’t want that murderer Ares around
So I made my home deep under the ground
I took a coat, the canine, and a couple of spheres
Which were all quite useful to me through the years
I raised the dog to never lay a paw on me
But he would still guard my spheres quite viciously
While I was above ground since the action was there
And the cloak – sometimes it just was convenient to wear
But in time, my excursions without spheres for age control
Which sometimes lasted for months managed to take their toll
I started to age and it could not be reversed
So I spent each night underground before it got any worse

I realized it was a shame that those who had achieved
Great things should be truly gone after their families grieved
For them since I felt that a good life should be rewarded
By not having to lie and rot among the poor dead
And when people were bad, far too many times
They died before they could be punished for their crimes
Those things had to change, and Hermes agreed with me
So he used his jet pack to find worthy corpses speedily
And brought them to Styx, and the reached me by night
Where they were revived and given the life I deemed right
People saw the body snatching, and found it a bit odd
But decided to keep quiet since it was an act of a god
And if they ever mentioned it
They’d never hear the end of it


As for the rest, much of which they had done
At that time can be found in any one
Of many of what are called mythological tomes
But they do not tell of how many left their homes
On Olympus to be worshipped in another location
Since mating on the mountain led to overpopulation
Migration wasn’t mentioned since it was a bit
Embarrassing for other civilizations to admit
That their local gods had in fact immigrated
And that the gods left didn’t make Greeks elated
The suppression of the truth does not make it less true
The first immortals had many kids – for now I’ll discuss two

The Original Prodigal Son

The first is Persephone, and her mother
Was fixing her hair when all the other
Immortals were choosing what power to claim
To have or actually take the tool that helped one obtain
Real power but she was late so she was stuck with the harvest
Which she could help with the rain, but people weren’t impressed
When Demeter did well, but when she didn’t they were irate
Which led her decide that her daughter should not wait
To marry so she set her daughter up on a date
With every single immortal Demeter liked, so the thirty
Or so that weren’t me – she thought my work was dirty
“Stay away from Hades!” the Grain Goddess would shout
The mother’s forbidding caused the daughter to seek me out
She found me and enjoyed the time she spent around me
We got married, which helped me to sleep more soundly
And made me more fair-tempered in everything I’d do
And as for the pomegranate myth, it simply isn’t true

Hera and Zeus had many children, but you would be hard
Pressed to name one who was ignored by each Greek bard
Yet is the most famous person to come out of Greece
And remember the bards ignored him, so it’s not Hercules
I’m referring to the power couple’s twenty-third son
Who was named Adonis before the pretty-boy mortal one
And didn’t like being subservient to his dad in the least
So he took some supplies and fled to the southeast

The opportunity there was too hard to resist
The people worshipped a being that didn’t exist
A man named Abraham, who many considered odd
Claimed to have conversations with this being called God
Who forbade statues of gods and divine images being engraved
Which appealed to many since that way money could be saved
And it didn’t hurt that Adonis’ name
And that of their god was almost the same

The End of an Era

He reinvented himself for power, and the name he put on his
Documents was TIFKAA – The immortal formerly known as Adonis
And he rubbed it in Olympus’ collective face like suntan lotion
That he was of the subject of thousands’ singular devotion
But that wasn’t enough – he wanted to be
The whole world’s supreme and only deity
But achieving that goal isn’t easy to do
When plenty of others want to be gods too

So he developed a plan – disguised as goodwill
Which would make it possible for him to kill
His rivals without directly causing any dying
He said he was throwing a party to share his wealth – but he was lying
He invited every immortal I hadn’t revived, and everybody went
He served great food to eat and wine for merriment
And after everybody was far too drunk to say, “No
Stop!” he threw almost forty spheres in the volcano
So he thought he destroyed every sphere but his own
Since to him my spare was completely unknown

I let Hermes in my house, since he’d been a friend
But the reign of Olympus had met its end
All the immortals got older and died
Except for me, Tifkaa, Hermes, and Perseph by my side
And the younger humans that I’d given eternal life –
One of which eventually became Hermes’ wife
But the only two with power were TIFKAA and I –
I ruled underground and he ruled from the sky
But after a while in charge of smiting and such
TIFKAA decided that his job was too much
Work and he needed help with what he did
His solution to this need was to have a kid

Jesus

But he didn’t have his own wife, and he couldn’t borrow mine
And the kid would need a good mother to pass as divine
And to him a good mother was one of virtue
By his definition, that required her to
Have maintained fidelity in spite of strong temptation
Such as the case of one woman within the Hebrew Nation

Her name was Mary, and she had just married Joe
When the army arrived and said he had to go
And fight against the Romans – there was no time for waiting
And certainly no time for marital consummating

Many men made advances, but they had the chances
That ants have when wrestling cows
Her hormones said yes, but they had no success
Since she needed to honor her vows

And because of her purity, it was quite a poor idea
For Tifkaa to force fornication
And she could not be convinced to make an exception for God since
She believed that that wasn’t his way of creation
Nor was it a good plan to reveal that she worshipped a human man
That fact could shatter her civilization
He asked for a clue as to what to do
I gave one and he displayed indignation

He said that after the spat he had with Onan about that
To heed my advice would make him a hypocrite
I said he could use my seed if he could not do the deed
He agreed if I’d give him the credit

So I snuck around and did what had to be done
So that TIFKAA could claim that he had a son
And you can get a good idea of what went on
In the books of Mark, Matthew Luke and John
But those books are lacking, quite intentionally
Explanations of how Jesus’ miracles came to be

Miracles

Lazarus’ resurrection was a simple endeavor –
He borrowed the sphere that let TIFKAA live forever
Apart from this, the sphere was also used for
Healing lepers and others that Jesus would cure

Turning water into wine wasn’t something Jesus did –
The task was performed by Hermes’ grandkid
Who quickly switched the drinks as everyone looked away
To watch Jesus who danced around and pretended to pray

The feeding of the five thousand was done
By a wizard with wheat who was also my son
Due to his grandmother’s fateful lateness
He had a family tradition of food-related greatness

As for the walking on water I allowed him to use
Pieces from the old cloak to make invisible floating shoes
Then TIFKAA asked for his sphere back in a rage
Since he couldn’t get back the two years that he’d aged

He didn’t want the man he called “son” to be lost
But losing his own life was too steep a cost
So they made a deal, and Jesus said “I will
Do what I can to quickly get myself killed
In exchange I’ll share the sphere up above
And do what I can to help this world I love”
So Jesus angered lots of people and got crucified
And was revived and brought up to a peak in the sky
But soon to go below Earth J.C. was imploring
Because life with TIFKAA was unbearably boring

While the message wasn't quite what Jesus had said
He was glad that his basic ideas were being spread
Although he didn’t fully agree with the teachings of Paul
Someone saying something similar was better than nothing at all
At least it gave people an opportunity for change
From ritualistic Roman religious cults that were rather strange
And he approved of the precedent, since Jesus said that he’d hate it
If nobody modified his teachings after they became outdated

Two New Huge Religions

After three hundred years TIFKAA refused to wait longer
To do something that would make him feel stronger
So, planning to use his weather machine
He went to the Emperor Constantine
And told him he could thin the enemy’s ranks
By using a divine wind, and as thanks
Constantine would ensure that much of humanity
Would belong to the religion known as Christianity
He’d say he saw TIFKAA in a vision – a dream
Because the actual face to face meeting would seem
Quite unbelievable to the common man
So each party acted exactly according to plan
And Emperor and deity both emerged victorious
But success wasn’t just theirs, I had a glorious
Discovery – that the sphere that let me live eternally
Reproduced itself when in an environment that’s infernally
Hot, which allowed for the revival
Of many more since I could allow survival
Of as many as I wanted, which kept me busy
And drove TIFKAA into a tizzy
Since as powerful as he was, he felt I had the upper hand
Which bothered him for reasons I somewhat understand
But apart from animosity, everything was fine –
I stayed out of his world, and he stayed out of mine

As the dark ages descended and Europe became a mess
TIFKAA’s failure to fix things was causing him stress
He tried to talk to kings, he tried to talk to monks
But none obeyed him, so he gave up and got drunk
All over the world – the self-proclamed Lord of all creation
Overindulged in a torrid and arid location
Where a merchant gave TIFKAA free drinks with the intent
That on other goods, an excess of money would be spent
And the trader imbibed, but not nearly as much
And they got to talking about religion and such
The salesman said he felt all faiths weren’t the true one
So the plastered immortal suggested that he start a new one
And gave him advice on how religion-starters do things
About fusing time-tested concepts with new things

TIFKAA’s advice was heeded, and the merchant succeeded
In creating a religion that many have faith in
With a motive that far from all know, he outlawed alcohol so
People wouldn’t utilize it in order to replace him

And TIFKAA was miserable when he awoke
His level of fluid depletion bordered on heatstroke
As he felt a rising inside him and then watched it plummet
He swore off alcohol and all that came from it
Although his spheres saved him from death from dehydration
He still maintained his hate for that faith by association
This hatred pervaded him so in time he persuaded
Pope Urban to send out the first soldiers that crusaded

The Trouble With TIFKAA

As an example against evil
He proved more worthless than Ramen since
TIFKAA turned on the people
Who had propelled him into prominence

He helped make them persecuted and ostracized
Just because they wouldn’t proselytize
And as would be expected, I objected
But he refused to let himself be corrected
Although I helped him out when he could not reproduce
He started flipping out and calling me “the deuce”
The same one who tried to kill me once – yet I forgave him
Yet he still won’t forgive me for refusing to cave in
To his insistent irrational immoral behavior
And he made up stories saying that he’s a soul saver
And that I am his foil – sadistic and vicious
But I’m okay being the opposite of possibly the most pernicious
Person ever, now despite being easier to reach
Than TIFKAA, he’s the one who gets beseeched
To do everything religious people want – since now people fear me
And think my home is too hot to go anywhere near me
So I have ample time to make my domain
A place for maximum pleasure and minimum pain

I wish that there could be, but alas there is not
Enough room for all good people to get a spot
As since it’s too hard to tell who was the most venerable
All the new spots in hell go to the most memorable
Except for some saved to create fake corpses that seem to be
Real so people don’t see their dead are gone and trace it to me

Now you have learned what cannot be uttered above the ground, ever
Keep quite and good luck in all future well-intentioned endeavors

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The next morning – at least when the clock said nine
Since there is no day and night when there is no sunshine
I was shocked to be treated to breakfast in bed
With the food was a small note, and the small note said
That I had a date with the Devil to discuss what I’d read

I knew that my hopes of success would be toast
If I refused such a simple request by my host
So I went, and first he asked me what his age is
I said he’s a little over three thousand according to last night’s pages
Then he asked where the one billions call “God” was conceived
And I said on Mount Olympus, if what I read should be believed
The he asked if something can be good to believe if it isn’t true
And I honestly said I hadn’t thought about it and had no clue
He was fine with that, and then Nicholas paused a full
Minute then asked, of what I read, what seemed the most implausible

I said I had trouble believing that immortality
Had more to do with impact than it did with morality
Since then he’d save the dangerously insane
He was ready for that and he explained:

“Hitler and Stalin and Timmy McVeigh
Aren’t enjoying extended life, but all the way
In the deepest part of hell, doing things that must be done
Supervised by intelligent robots invented by Edison
And they work 12 hour days until they rid themselves of the greed
And hatred and intolerance that brought about their misdeeds
And when I’m sure they’re cured they have a choice to die
Or be brought up to live nearby the location of you and I

“ Torquemada and Pope Urban are two people who mended
Their ways after decades then chose to have their lives ended
And there are quite a few who repented and moved on
To better work and my favor - one of those is Genghis Khan
Which is of special significance, since that man just hap-
Pens to be the first one that you will have to rap
Against if you choose to attempt to return
Above ground with the one for whom your heart seems to burn

“ For these ‘battles’ I have several volunteers – you’ll face seven
If you win four you’ll go back home between here and heaven
With Samantha, but if you win less than three then
You’ll work down below for years and try again
Or you can leave now, alone, with 10 grand, which coincidentally
Is the same thing that will happen if you win only three”

The choice wasn’t easy; I really needed the money
But going back alone would make my eyes frequently be runny
I asked if I could ask Sam what she would prefer
But Satan objected since he said that I ought to know her
Well enough that there would not be a need to ask
But I didn’t, and had to choose between a far from easy task
And certain loneliness and probable regret
The odds were against me each way – and I don’t like to bet

Suddenly my choice became clear as an eagle’s vision –
If I went back alone I’d certainly end up in prison
Although the prospect of getting on stage made me scared
I knew I had to accept and get prepared
I didn’t want to go up there, nor did I want to wait
So I ate and worried and didn’t get to bed until quite late

The Rap of Khan

As I ate the next morning I was not any calmer
Afraid I’d go on stage and be a harmless kind of bomber,
I thought about my opponent – although he wasn’t feared
For his words he could’ve improved that skill through the years
And to successfully lead an army such as the Golden Horde
His mind would’ve had to be about as sharp as his sword
And like old Greek Nick his mind was probably still intact
Against me the odds started seeming more and more stacked
Besides that, his battle results were very repetitive
As in won by a lot – which means he was competitive
Which probably hadn’t changed, and if I was declared the victor
I could see him making my remains a far from pretty picture
Speaking of pictures, then I looked at the large
One as in Genghis was no longer in charge
So I would be safe for the duration of the competition
I finished preparation and concentrated on my mission

The time came to compete, and I got my first look
At mister Khan, who was smaller than history books
Made him out to be – aging was partly to blame
Also memory gave him stature to match with his name
At five-eight and balding he still looked intimidating
I wished he would start already, right then I hated waiting
Then the beat started playing, and the battle was on
And this was the first verse of the rap of Khan:


My horde is golden
I’ve gored some bold men
Great powers have cowered when my crew rolled in
The greatest fighter in the time that I fought
No other warrior caused the destruction I wrought
Though many have sought the success that I sought
I won like the Huns while most other guys lost
In enemy armies there was a high human lives cost
After we stole their gold my army and I tossed
Those lost souls into holes and then I bossed
The survivors around since I was their new King
First I made them give me all of their bling
And then I would often make them dance and sing
I did all of that because I am awesome
I can do that and you can’t that’s why you’ve lost, son.

That was too good for comfort, considering I
Just had five minutes to craft a reply
So the background music started playing
And this is what I heard myself saying:

I’m bored and sleepy
How do you expect to keep me
Awake reciting pages from history
And I bet your memory is pretty blurry
I bet you don’t remember your past so you decided to look
It up in some sort of history book
And that’s in the past so what have you done
In the present time that’s any use or any fun
You’ve done nothing while I’ve been living
You’ve been taking while I’ve been giving
All I could to support who I needed to support
And if you don’t believe me I could back it up in court

Mixed Results

I didn’t like that very much and neither did the crowd
Compared to the cheering, the booing seemed quite loud
But I gathered myself and tried not be scared
And recited the rhymes that I had prepared:


I’ll defeat you I’ll do what I need to
In his war of words to make sure I beat you
If you’re like an army I’m like the Russian winter
You thought you would harm me
But you are just a splinter
You can hurt me once but then I’m just fine
I don’t think you have another good line
You’re a Mongol not a rap mogul
I’ll rhyme circles around you or at least an oval
Go back to the Gobi I dominate like Kobe
You thought you were King but you’ve been dethroned we
All know that I’m better if you don’t you don’t know me


When Genghis went up he was berating my young age
Which did not do him much good and he flew into a rage
And had to be restrained, or my fears would have come true
But he calmed down in time for the round after round two

In the tiebreaker, I thought I had it clinched
It had to be four lines, which I thought would be a cinch
Since I thought it would be such a breeze
I was content to say lines like these:

I don’t get it I just do not know
Why you’re so proud of what happened eight hundred years ago
It’s so far in the past that you have no proof
That what you say happened is truly the truth

His response was better. I lost. No shock there.
My next opponent was Abe Lincoln. I was scared.
He was a good president and I knew he spoke well
And I imagined that when I met him he would tell
Me about how he learned about rap four score
And seven hours ago, yet he’d beat me for sure

My fears were unfounded. Lincoln lost to my lyrical attack
And then I felt that I was really getting on the right track
When I out-rhymed Gandhi – but he let me win
And then I beat Elvis Presley – that was easy as sin

But I did not get all the victories that I needed
I challenged Shakespeare and was soundly defeated
Then I felt about as witty as a two year old child
When being insulted by one Oscar Wilde
Then my ego dropped well below the cellar
When I lost the final battle to Helen Keller

Home Again, Finally

I took the long road home alone and it was frustrating
But at least I'd have stories to tell if I resumed dating
And I’d have time for writing and independent enjoyment
And searching for a satisfactory source of employment
This may be sour grapes, but sour grapes are still more sweet
Than grapefruits, which I absolutely refuse to eat

I was entitled to have thoughts all over the place
Because of where I’d been, but it wasn’t the case
That my trip caused it – I think like that when I’m fine
It’s because of a minor rambling problem of mine

While all sorts of thoughts were occupying my mind
A pickpocket was able to sneak up from behind
And took all the money in my left pocket at the time
Which was a quarter, a nickel, two pennies and a dime
My life would have immediately become a train wreck
If he picked the pocket that still contained Nick’s check

Partially because I needed each and every cent
But also to make him earn what he stole, I went
After him as fast as my full stomach allowed
Until he disappeared into a crowd

The crowd had assembled for a good reason
Which was a man was swinging from a tree in
The middle of a clearing and singing a song
Which sounded familiar but the words were all wrong

And as he took a break for the band to play
A religious-looking man was seen a quarter mile away
Which seemed as relevant as rocks on which lichens thrived
Until a couple of minutes later, when the running man arrived
And pushed through the crowd and scrambled up the bark
And brought down a man looking scared like he’d seen a shark

Monkeys & Music

The man handling the camera swore a bit and exclaimed
“Why did you do that? Are you (Bleeping) insane?
Time here is money, and you-you-you jerk
Just ruined an entire hour’s worth of work
We are making a music video, and it’s hard to believe that you
Could believe that someone swinging like that needed a rescue.”

And the intruder replied, “How was I supposed to know
That you were in the middle of a so called music video?
If you lived a holy life solely devoted to worship and praise
You’d know the Lord blesses his children in different ways
Some, like him, are tree-swingers, lost without others doing good
Others are better at getting back on the ground, like humans would
Have done if the theory of evolution was true, which
It isn’t. And what I heard was not music”

Explosion seemed imminent for the director’s head
If Tom Ridge made a system for anger alert, it would’ve been code red
He was jumping and shouting, “Dude! Are you for real?
If it’s not music how does he have a record deal?”

The reply was, “The definition of music is an expression of love –
Either between man and woman, or mankind and God above
What they were doing was misusing the instruments as toys
And the result, at best, is slightly euphonious noise.”

Then the singer got up to leave since he wasn’t feeling well
But he told the crowd to by his album – his stage name is LOL
And the religious guy started shouting how he didn’t get
How that name made sense, he was told that on the Internet
That symbolized laughter, and that was a perfect fit
For someone named Lenny O. Larson, then the preacher-type spit
And said that Satan created the Internet to spread his ev-
Il more quickly – it was then that I decided to leave

Gag Order

I got back to my apartment and it looked better
Than when I left it, except where it was wetter
In a small area by my laptop computer
Which was suddenly useless like a stud horse post-neuter
I ordered a new one since life without one would be bleak
I was told it would be ready in about a week
In the meantime I would have to pay
To use the computers at an Internet café

I gave them a dollar, accessed my e-mail and checked it
I had far too much spam, just as I had expected
The only one in my inbox was from Hansomedevl666
It took a bit of time, but I remembered that was Nick’s
Address and by Nick I mean the old man whose mistakes
Made me more miserable than Indiana Jones around snakes
The message said it was best for me not to say
Anything about what I had learned in the past few days
And if I keep quiet for the next year then
I might have a chance of seeing Samantha again

It wasn’t quite fair, but what could I do?
I couldn’t read more since the screen had turned blue
All the time that I got for my dollar was spent
With nowhere to go but home, home is where I went
Although I suppose I made my own bad luck
With ten grand, I should’ve brought more than a buck

OUCH!

When I got there
I wasn’t prepared
To see a pair
Of people wear-
Ing the same uniform
This wasn’t norm-
Al but then again
I couldn’t recall when
I last had a day
When things seemed okay

They said I was busted
By the company I trusted
To sell me an eMac
Then I was told to get in the back
And instead of Miranda
What I heard made my hair stand up

One said, “ We know it was you, you subhuman piece of rubble
Now tell us the truth and save us all a lot of trouble”
I didn’t speak but sat and stared in disbelief
As cop number one went on in tones designed to cause grief:
“ If you don’t name names or confess to the major infraction
My partner may be forced to take very unpleasant action.”

Before what I’d been through
Being grilled by those two
Would have made me consumed with fright
My sense of courage exceeded
Sane limits as I said that I needed
To be freed since he didn’t read me my rights

Then he looked at me like I acted like Tom Cruise
And asked how I didn’t know. Did I not watch the news?

I phrased it differently, but said I was busy as a bee
Over the past week and didn’t have much time to watch TV

Cop Two asked where I was when I wasn’t at my place
And told me if I didn’t tell he’d hit me in the face
So I braced myself for the pain I knew
Would come soon and in fact did ensue

Now I would be lying if I said I wasn’t crying
In no position for confession; with no desire for denying

Which eventually led to half-hearted apologizing
From the policeman whose fists had not been flying –
Partially because he was too busy driving

He said how the guy on the news show
Who they both revered like a saint
Said Congress said Miranda had to go
Because it was outdated and quaint

These desperate times called for desperate deeds
Those suspected of crimes now had the right to bleed
And they could follow the philosophy of Tom DeLay –
The cops are the government, so all they do is okay

And he said what I endured was barely within
The acceptable range of assault for the color of my skin
I whimpered that that sounded racist and then
I was called an ungrateful liberal and walloped again

The Elephant News Channel

When we got into the station, I couldn’t really walk
The chief asked what was wrong and they said I wouldn’t talk
He asked about Miranda, and then he began to understand
The source of confusion and put his head in his hands

The chief asked the more intellectual of the two
(Which is like calling a stump tall – compared to a shoe)
If he remembered the channel of this news source
He said a hundred seventy-six, and the chief said “Of course,
Sometime this week I read an article about it in Newsday
When the network first launched – I think it was Tuesday
A struggling station was up for sale, and a twenty-two year old kid
Had just inherited a fortune, which he used for the winning bid
He called his station Elephant News, after the symbol of the GOP
And gave his station the motto ‘News as it should be’
Which means the truth is distorted and often completely neglected
And as an officer of the law, I am unable to respect it
It should be a crime to be that kind of liar
The next one to dare act based on what he saw there will be fired.”

Relieved since the police chief seemed to be on my side
I pleaded to be freed but my request was denied
He said that the gravity of my alleged offense
Was so great that my captors’ incompetence
Wasn’t enough to let me off the hook quite yet
And I had no chance of bail since I was deemed a flight threat
But since my captors put me through unnecessary hell
I’d be given a notebook and TV in my cell
But no phone or computer or radio. Oh well.

Behind Bars

If I were the type to talk to books right now I’d say dear diary
I like it less here than the place that many say is fiery
Such a little room I have - the better to go crazy in
I’m almost looking forward to when my fight against the state begins

In order to not be overwhelmed with claustrophobia
I’ve been watching TV – I’d write introspective poems but
I’m not quite yet ready to look within my mind
I hope constantly watching an eight-inch screen won’t make me blind

I can’t believe this Elephant News is on the air
What’s on it makes Harlem Globetrotter referees seem fair
There was one segment with an actor looking stereotypically French
With a garbage man fleeing the room – complaining of the stench
He was sitting and smoking a cigarette, with wine on the table
With “Nasty wine just fit for the French” on the label
And he said he wielded power, as he clearly cut the cheese
And that he would use France’s new WMDs
On anybody spreading freedom - and then he began to brag
About how he was going to pee on the American flag

Then the anchor asked what we should do because of that “offender”
Should we bomb France off the map? Or just until they surrender?

After that segment I was very annoyed
I decided that channel was one to avoid
I watched movies and sports,
Game shows of all sorts
Sitcoms and dramas and televised courts
Cartoons and talk shows and even MTV
I went days until I succumbed to curiosity

There was a debate show – rather a shouting match
With one moderate and five guys to the right of Orrin Hatch
The topic was which group was a greater public enemy
Muslims or those who think God is a non-entity

The moderate looked nervous as he said that religious beliefs meant
Little or nothing with respect to criminal intent
And they should keep the rights that we as Americans prize
Until sufficient evidence in a court of law proves otherwise

He was shouted at like he said that broccoli is delicious
The other panelists said that both groups were certainly suspicious
If they cannot adhere to the principles of Christianity
Why would they follow the constitution instead of heathen insanity?

The sane man didn’t see the connection and also didn’t see
The rest of the panel soon since the leader said that he
Was a bleeding heart liberal – so he was thrown out of the door
And a quick conclusion was reached as there was no dissent anymore

They said Muslims were more dangerous – although both were vile
Since atheists are openly godless, while the Muslims are in denial
Which in turn caused a propensity for violence
Which made no sense. But what could I expect? I turned it off. Silence.

Apparently their symbolic elephants never forget because
They changed the meaning of the word to “Obey logic’s laws”

I saw that in the afternoon, and now it is late
I must get to bed since my lawyer is coming at eight

Truth is Scarier Than Fiction

He said he was assigned to defend me in a court of law
But since I have more brains than Oz’s man of straw
I knew something was up – he had a slight smirk
When he began to talk – I knew he was a jerk
Clearly someone with whom I did not want to work

Concerning the case – what he wished to know first
Was which of the facts I considered to be worst
Although for my problems he probed at great lengths
He did not at all seem concerned with my strengths
I trusted him with the case like I’d trust my wallet to thieves
So a smile entered my face when I finally got him to leave

For more stating of facts and less trumpeting of views
I turned on CNN for relatively unbiased news
The last attorney general stepped down last month due to “stress”
And a new one was appointed during a congressional recess
Of his legal expertise most senators weren’t sufficiently assured
But more disturbingly, his brother is an infamous drug lord
He downplayed the connection, saying he didn’t know his brother’s address
To his summer home, technically, which he tried to hide from the press
Another claim that he made was that it had been years since they spoke
Which actually referred to their reclusive uncle, ha what a clever joke

I thought he was kidding when I first heard about his plans for the war on
Drugs and curbing murder – he was serious but possibly a moron
His solution to the war on drugs was total decriminalization
Which was based on the pursuit of happiness clause in the Declaration
Of Independence which he said was basically part of the Constitution
So softer drugs could be legalized and taxed as a deficit-fighting solution
While there would be no laws at all for opiates and cocaine
Was his brother involved? Can spaghetti sauce stain?
How is this a victory? I’m not really sure
Unless it’s winning by not losing more in an un-winnable war

As for the fight against murder, the extent of his ambition
Did not include decreasing violence – only redefinition
He said it was wrong that soldiers could kill their enemy and avoid trial
But when civilians kill their foes, the deed is treated like it’s quite vile
Instead of protesting both, he extended the right
To kill to anyone who paid to register the fight
It wouldn’t apply for a week, and attacking before that could mean jail
The other party needed a chance to see the declaration of war in the mail
When dissenters spoke of national loyalty, he said to face the facts –
There’s not much loyalty to America left after the mess in Iraq
He said the idea of ”Us and them” is outdated in the present day
Because the whole world is basically an extension of the USA

More Malicious Lies

I decided that if I was going to hear something terrifying
I’d hear it from a source that was definitely lying
So I switched to the most pachydermal news channel on cable
Where they showed a nurse by a big lump on an operating table
The heart monitor’s line became erratic, which prompted the nurse to call
The doctors, but a cute little girl with cute little dog in the hall
Distracted them, and although the exact amount of time is unknown
The screen said “Ten minutes later” then showed the nurse on the phone

She said, “We tried but couldn’t save him, he was just too fat
I can’t say exactly who it was, because I’m afraid that
It will bring bad luck, but he made evil documentaries
We tried to help because of the oath, but the doctors couldn’t enter the
Room – there was a kid and dog – anyway the oath is Hippocratical
So from a hypocrite - therefore liberal and the bad meaning of radical
In that case my conscience feels okay
If we ignored what that dead foreigner had to say
There is some concern regarding a malpractice suit
But we have an excuse – the dog was just so cute”

Then it cut back to the anchor – whose face always stayed the same
Who said that due to the death of the director-not-to-be-named
When encountering what looks like him, we should make the deduction
That it’s an evil robot built by liberals to cause America’s destruction
And since it’s not alive it’s fine to shoot it on sight
That station may be right wing, but it sure isn’t right

ENC Wins A Challenge

This afternoon the “evil robot” was on a real news show
Demanding that the Elephant News Channel had to go
Someone seemingly possessed by something Satanical
Sprinted onto his set and said the director was mechanical
And therefore had to expire – that’s what Elephant News told him
Luckily, before the gun was fired, security was able to hold him,
Disarm and remove him, but everyone there had quite a scare
And it could happen again if ENC continued to be so unfair
Since free speech is good, but stability requires silence
When the speaker is lying and trying to incite senseless violence

The chairman of the FCC
Was also there, but didn’t agree
Since if the Onion’s right to exist was respected
Then the ENC should also be protected
Then the film director said the Onion doesn’t encourage violent acts
To with the FCC man replied, “This is America, face the facts
It’s a culture of violence – Elephant News is as American as can be
So trying to silence it is treasonous, and a terribly bad idea”

The film director left the room as fast as his fat frame would take him
I felt things would probably get worse soon and hoped I was mistaken

I’d rather not think about the situation’s implications
I’d much rather be in denial
I’ll read myself to sleep with a book on litigation -
Something that should help me with the trial

Sandoco's Quiz Show

A new lawyer came in and he seemed less sketchy
But when I stated the situation, he got very kvetchy
If I couldn’t say my alibi I did not really have a case
Then he left the room quite quickly like he was in a walking race

I found out why my first lawyer acted in such a shady way
He knew that soon he’d be a shoo-in to be the new D.A.
He was trying to get information so he could learn it and then he
Could wait to conduct my prosecution and use the facts against me

With no lawyers around, I turned on the TV
Elephant News again. Why? Don’t ask me
But instead of news there was a game show
Sponsored by a new oil company called Sandoco
They have questions for points, and the contestant who manages to earn
The most gets stock in Sandoco and the opportunity to return
Second place gets two hundred dollars, which is supplied
By the loser of the show, who is supposed to also lose pride
But losing on that show would not cause me shame
Due to the ridiculous nature of the game

One question that I felt summed the show up very well
Was, “Who in the past hundred years most deserves to burn in hell?”
One contestant said Hitler, and he was told he wasn’t right
Another one said George W. Bush, and the host looked like he might
Hurt him but said he was brainwashed and had the brains of a cow
And might as well forfeit two hundred dollars right now
The next contestant guessed Osama, and for this the host stayed calm
And said it was a good guess, but the correct answer is Saddam

Then the contestant who guessed Bush said that he could not respect
A show that insisted that only one opinion could be correct
And the host said, “My powerful bosses agree with me, and that is enough reason
To take my opinions as absolute truth – if you disagree it is treason”

Another question and its answers that particularly stood out
Was, “What event in American history should you be most happy about?”
One contestant guessed, “When the Declaration of Independence was signed?”
And the host told him no like saying so meant he was out of his mind
Another said it was when we bombed the Japanese
The reply was, “That wasn’t nearly the greatest. Jeez!”
The last guess was freeing the slaves, and the host requested elaboration
It seemed clear that he meant the 1860s emancipation
Which is what the contestant said, then that absolute hack
Hosting the show said no – it was the liberation of Iraq

The Divided States of America

While that was disturbing and probably broke some sort of law
It was by far not the most alarming thing today that I saw
I have become such a bored and useless shell of a man
That I watched CNN borrowing heavily from C-Span
Where they were discussing legislation with enormous implications
Quite a few states decided to turn one country into nations

It started with a report that no one intelligent would believe
On Elephant News about how the blue states planned to leave
The United States despite a total absence of legitimate evidence
But they said evidence is for liberals – one of their classic arguments
And that liberals can take it with them when they leave
The anchor, for one, wasn’t going to grieve

The chance of that happening seemed really bleak
Until several Senators returned from vacation last week
With no more will to serve, and legally binding documentation
Naming successors to their seats as well as official resignations
And each of the named successors in one of the GOP’s
Most loyal - some suspect foul play, but they say, “Shared epiphanies”


Combined with the recess appointment of the crazy A.G.
Secession seemed be the only way to stop the lunacy
Or at least keep it in another country, where it wouldn’t be such a big deal
Since when tragedies occur a long way away they never seem nearly as real
Twenty states chose to leave the American nation
But New York recanted when threatened with invasion
So I’m stuck in a country where corporate supporters of journalistic crimes
Are much more trusted and respected than papers like the New York Times
Maybe I should make my case certain to fail
Since I feel like I might be better off in jail

Who Can Handle the Truth?

My lawyer came back today – the state denied his resignation
And said I’d be locked away if I didn’t share some information
I was reluctant of course – I’d been advised to keep my silence
And I thought of the remorse if I was denied eternal life since
I blabbed such a secret to save my own rear?
Forfeiting my chance to reunite with the one I hold most dear
But how would I regret with a mind that’s no longer there?
Should I spend my life locked up so that I might have a prayer
Of reuniting with someone who might not still be around
When it’s finally time for me to maybe get to live underground?
No guarantee that Nick won’t get tired of playing God and suddenly quit
Or that she won’t get sick of living without me and jump in a fiery pit
Oh, who am I kidding, years of what once seemed a unique
Sort of love can be forgotten in as little as a few weeks
There’s no way I’ll forget, but it should take a back seat
To things like getting off my butt and back on my feet
So she should be better off moving on, and so should I
A life awaiting death isn’t life, especially when I can try
To live the rest of my life and live it quite well
So as for my lawyer and my info, I decided to tell

I was willing to tell, but he was unwilling to hear
As I spoke about Hell, he showed a face full of fear
He said that the whole truth was too much for most to take
And should be avoided when possibly for his and my sake
For me it’s a ticket to the loony bin, for him a reputation ruiner
And if he argued the Satan angle he’d work again in law no sooner
Than when the Kansas City Royals win the Super Bowl
But winning this was still well within our control
According to him, since the burden of proof belongs
To those trying to convict me of committing wrongs

Out of the Holding Cell and Into the Trial

In the last two weeks that I have spent in this place
I have been preparing for the upcoming case
I have no TV; it was purchased by a powerful corporation
As a janitor’s bonus for working for a whole year’s duration
The last thing that I saw was on that station full of dreck
Which was a negative ad showing people watching Shrek
And then getting hauled off to jail because of what they chose to view
Then the anchor said, “If you hate America, that’s what happens to you
Since the best way to release frustration isn’t through laughter
But 'Sending our common enemies into the hereafter'"
Then he added, “If you must watch an amusing animated video
I recommend such titles as Dumbo and Pinnochio”

This is my last day in this room of sorrow
My trial finally begins tomorrow

Short, Explanatory Stanza

The transcript of the trial is in the form of a play
I don’t know why that is but I found it that way
I edited it a little to omit the banalities
So it starts with opening statements and not earlier formalities

Opening Statements

Prosecution

Gentlemen of the jury and the one female juror:
Thinking of the defendant leaves me in a furor
He makes me so angry that I’m feeling ill
I feel sick since I know that he would kill
And he has, twice in fact, and he looks like a felon
Unkempt and unshaven, and there is no tellin’
What else he would do if you set him free
He might go after you, he might go after me
And if that alone doesn’t arouse hateful passion
Bear in mind he’s a walking crime against fashion
If he walks, some designers might try to fix him out of pride
When they fail he’ll be to blame for more than one suicide

But seriously, he is guilty of each count
Of murder and caused an extreme amount
Of grief so those who knew the victims have become neurotic
And all members of the jury who are sane and patriotic
Will see past the illusions my opponent will create
To convict this monster worthy of your hate
He killed a woman of barely twenty-three years
If you’re not crying yet, what will cause streaming tears
Is that he killed a scientist who lived in the same
Building just because the victims shared a name
He makes me as sick as PETA and NPR
We can’t prosecute them yet, but that day can’t be far
For now we can prosecute one man, and prosecute we will
He will die a thousand deaths for each cold-blooded kill

Now what exactly are the sides in this courtroom fight?
Some might say it’s a battle between wrong and right
Well, I am right and those who disagree are wrong
Their arguments are weak and mine are strong
For instance, consider the potential consequences
He can’t hurt you if he spends his life within prison fences
But if you side with a killer and offend this great nation
You might find your life full of much aggravation
This isn’t a threat as much as a fact
That should affect how you choose to act

Like terrorists, the defendant is in conflict with the government
Therefore he and our sworn enemies aren’t all that different
He could be one of them, killing for Saddam and Allah’s sake
There may be no proof, but is it a risk you want to take?

Also, the defendant is known to be lacking
Money, and there is scientific research backing
The assertion that those the liberals refer to as in need
Are much more likely to perform a violent, criminal deed

Besides, Christian teachings, which all real Americans love
Say that wealth signifies the favor of the Lord above
And since the defendant seems to barely have a penny to his name
I’m sure that Jesus hates him, and you all should do the same
And soon it should be as clear to all of you as it is to me
That we should lock up the defendant and then melt the key


Attorney For The Defense

I shall keep this opening statement relevant and short
You, members of the jury, hold the power in this court
A measure of responsibility accompanies that might
Which means it’s up to you to decide what is right
What you heard was a sermon under entirely the wrong roof
Preaching passion, but the prosecution must provide proof
My client isn’t guilty, and we shall prove that if we must
I hope that I can trust all of you to do what is truly just
Which is, if the evidence presented by the prosecution fails to show
My client’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, you’ll let him go
Back into society, to which he is not a threat
I highly doubt that he will kill – I know he hasn’t yet

First Witness

Prosecution

Please state the name by which you wish to be known

Witness

Address me as Arthur Stewart, since that name is my own

Prosecution

Observe the man on trial. Have you seen him before?

Witness

I have seen him many times. Of that I am quite sure

Prosecution

Mr. Stewart, where do you know the defendant from?

Witness

Many times, with his family, to my church he did come

Prosecution

What is your role in said church, if I may ask?

Witness

Being a pastor is my primary earthly task
At least once a day, and sometimes twice
I give my flock sermons full of spiritual advice

Prosecution

What exactly do you mean by flock?

Witness

Local people who accept God as their rock
Not sheep, I’m sane and don’t talk to sheep
I don’t even count them when I’m falling asleep

Prosecution

You said the defendant used to attend your church. Does he still go?

Witness

There is one simple answer to that question, and that answer is no.

Prosecution

Regarding the defendant and your church, why did he quit?

Defense

The question is speculative and I must object to it

Judge

Sustained

Prosecution

Fine, Mr. Stewart, are you aware of the cause
Of the defendant’s straying from your house of divine laws?

Witness

His mother said that when he got to a certain age
The defendant and my church were not on the same page
I could not bring him back, since he willfully strayed
But one day he may mature and seek out my aid

Prosecution

Pastor Stewart, for the court, will you please relate
What you know of the defendant’s spiritual state?

Witness

As far as I am concerned, it doesn’t exist
His mother says he is basically an atheist

Prosecution

Think of when you knew the defendant, and during that time
Did he display violent tendencies or a propensity toward crime?

Witness

I would have to say no. There was none of that as I recall

Prosecution

Could his loss of faith have changed that at all?

Witness

Untold dangers arise from straying from the holy path
The loss of the Lord’s love will likely lead to wrath

Prosecution

I have no further questions

Judge

Please return to your station
The counsel for the defense may conduct cross-examination

Embarrassing The Witness

Defense

Do you do anything significant outside of your job, please
Inform the court if you have any interesting hobbies

Witness

There is a local Christian Rock band for which I play guitar
We’ve been touring the circuit for about fifteen years so far

Defense

That’s well and good, but is there something else you choose
To do that could’ve landed you on the Six ‘O Clock news?

Witness

Are you referring to news on TV? I don’t own one of those
You never know when Satan will use them to impose
His views on the weak and unsuspecting and convert them to his cause
I’ll boycott it until there are strong anti-secular programming laws

Defense

A few months ago I saw someone who looked just like you
On the news attempting a totally unnecessary rescue
While interrupting the filming of a music video
Did you do something like that? Do you know?

Witness

I answered a call of distress. How was I supposed to know that?
It was dishonest when TV is something that I do not look at?
Music videos weren’t something that Jesus paid heed to
Considering who I am, why should I need to?

Defense

I do not buy your argument, since there isn’t any good
Evidence that Jesus wouldn’t have watched MTV if he could
Are you equating yourself with Jesus, whose worshippers are quite ample?

Witness

I know he was much better than me, but I try to live by his example

Defense

Does that include being a ridiculous sight to behold?
Trying to act on fantasies for which you’re too old?

Witness (Sighs)

I guess… I suppose not

Defense

Your honor, those are all the questions I have got.

Disorder In the Court

Judge

Will the attorney for the prosecution please rise?
The case must go on. Open your eyes.

Prosecution

I got you now Bill Clinton, and I will send you into space
Because you more than anyone cause America disgrace
When you’re gone this nation will be more like heaven
My finger is on the button. Ten-nine-eight-seven…


Judge (Shouting)

I’m tempted to hit you on the head with my gavel
I don’t want the fabric of order to further unravel

Prosecution:(Yawning)

Go away. I’m not ready to work yet.
And judge, you’ll pay for that threat

Judge

Until that occurs, my eyes shall not weep
And yours should not shut. Why were you asleep?

Prosecution

I watched a Ronald Reagan Marathon in my home
Which inspired me to write a patriotic poem

Judge

Is that the cause of your apparent lack of preparation?

Prosecution

I’m as prepared as I need to be, for your information
But you’re not prepared for what I shall recite –
The brilliant composition that was written last night
I’m proud to live in the US of A
Where those who love Jesus never go astray

Judge

Sounds like you’re trying to preach but it’s a feeble attempt
Call the next witness or of this court you’ll be in contempt

Prosecution (To witness)

Please state your name

Witness

This amazing fellow
Is known to those blessed to know him as Anthony Fratello

Prosecution

How do you know the defendant against whom the charges are immense?

Defense

Objection, your Honor, the question assumes facts not in the evidence

Prosecution

I was informed you know the defendant. Is this true?

Witness

The answer to your question is affirmative since I do

Prosecution

How do you know the defendant, who you say you’ve seen before?

Witness

I used to help him with his laptop, and we live on the same floor

Prosecution

You said that you used to help. Why did that arrangement cease to be?

Witness

I don’t want to talk to him. I’m sure that he doesn’t want to talk to me

Prosecution

Why is that?

Defense

An objection is in order here
The question is ambiguous, confusing, unclear

Judge

Your objection is needlessly repetitious but nevertheless sustained

Prosecution

Why do you feel that your relationship with the defendant is strained?

The End of The Day

Witness

He had a party in his apartment one December night
Everyone on the floor but me received an invite
He said it was an accident when I confronted him later
But I believe that he was jealous and being a player-hater

Prosecution

What do you think could have caused such jealousy?

Witness

First off all, I’m awesome. And his girl wanted me

Prosecution

Is Samantha Wilson, the murder victim, the one to whom you refer?

Witness

Of course. Who could I possibly mean except for her?
Unfortunately, she and I never got to do
Much together, but I knew she wanted to

Prosecution

Is there any proof of that last statement you’d like to share?

Witness

Yes, I was helping the defendant remove adware and spyware
And I finished, and Samantha thanked me as I walked through the door
And said she felt quite fortunate that we lived on the same floor
And said that if in the future a woman can manage to succeed
In getting me to settle down, that lady would by lucky indeed
And then in my awesome mind, I felt a thought occur:
Samantha secretly wished that the lady would be her

Prosecution

Were you afraid of his envy causing murderous violence?

Witness

That is as ridiculous as asking me to take a vow of silence
He’s about as threatening as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
And even if he got really mad, I would have no reason to be afraid
I’m so awesome that no one could ever hurt me without a gun
And in the building that we live in, you’re not allowed to have one

Prosecution

In what kind of hippie building do you reside
In which your second amendment rights are denied?

Defense

The question is irrelevant, so I must complain

Judge

I concur with your objection; it is sustained

Prosecution

I think I duly warned you not to disrespect me any more
Mr. Fratello, have you heard that you need to watch out for
The quiet ones?

Witness

The truthful answer is yes

Prosecution

No further questions, your dishonorableness

Judge

I’ll chalk up the previous statement up to frustration
And allow the defense to conduct cross-examination




Defense

Is it not true that it hurts your credibility
To be a grown man saying “awesome” so frequently?

Prosecution

I must object now, just as I surely shall later
Since the attorney for the defense is a freedom hater

Judge

The objection is invalid, so the witness must reply

Witness

Age doesn’t inhibit speech for those as awesome as I

Defense

If you were on the jury instead of the witness stand at this time
Do you think you’d declare the defendant guilty of any crime?

Prosecution

Objection once again. This question shows a stance
Of favoritism toward the so-called nation of France

Judge

I object to the counsel acting like a fool
His objection is invalid, and overruled

Witness

I would be an awesome juror, and now I’d say no

Defense

I have no further questions

Judge

You are all free to go
We will reconvene at nine AM. It wouldn’t happen, but
The concept of a mistrial was wiped out with a tax cut

Judge Dreadful

Judge

In case any of you are suffering from blindness
I’m not the last judge – that one was spineless
And too concerned with liberal values like kindness
His judicial activism was really quite mindless
And because his actions were not very smart
The last magistrate was reassigned to Wal-Mart
Minimum wage, nothing more, is what he shall receive
That he deserves less is what everyone should believe
We shall defeat the socialist idea of minimum pay
With the blue state secession, it can’t be far away
Anyway, I have heard something that has made me extremely distraught
My fellow patriot tried to share some thoughts, but the last judge fought
To silence him – that is the kind of censorship we don’t need
I want to hear it – counsel for the prosecution, please proceed

Prosecution

Thank you, you are truly America’s friend
Now here are the words that I recently penned:

I'm proud to live in the U.S. of A.
Where we love God and country and never go astray
Some parts were kind of wimpy but they all chose to leave
They thought we would miss them but we will not grieve
Because in the North lots of the blood is blue
I think that is pretty gross. Don't you?
Here it's red and boiling
That's why many of us are toiling
In battlefields with guns we wield
To depose evil oil kings
And spread the word of the man who turned water to wine
To those confused souls who have been told the divine
Powers scowl every time they eat swine
And we'll spread democracy even if it takes centuries
And if they don't like it? Well everyone can't be pleased
We do what we want since we can and we will
And if you don't agree then you ought to be killed

A Little Off Topic

Spectator

I can’t believe that was so evil and completely filled with hate

Judge

Never speak here again. You know nothing. That was great

Juror #6

Now that we are reciting poems unrelated to the trial
And since anything sounds good next to that oral bile
I’ll recite what I wrote around last Valentine’s Day
The words of which I remember but have yet to say:


My feelings are still quite hard to express
To let you know I did often intend
But feared that I might lose you as a friend
If all my emotions I did confess
Part of me thinks that I'll become a mess
If what we've got right now came to an end
But each day it gets harder to pretend
That not having more does not cause distress
Most times that I see you it makes me smile
For some reason that reaction's delayed
I can't erase the grin later that day
You might see it if you stayed for a while
Now that I have laid my heart bare like this
Is it too much to ask you for a kiss?

Judge

Ha! You’re pathetic like bums whose clothes are in tatters
That kind of emotion distracts from what actually matters
Like your country, family, and heavenly savior

Juror #3

I’m seriously sickened by your bigoted behavior
Despite what you seem to think, it isn’t that odd
Not to believe in the traditional concept of God
The First Amendment allows me to believe differently than you

Judge

All of the amendments are outdated except for number two
If you have any more treasonous displays of nerve
You will leave since you’ll lose the right to serve

A. Fratello

I thought that it was written beautifully
It was awesome but not as awesome as me

Judge

As far as I’m concerned that did not make any sense
Juror six, who do you have to say in your defense?

Juror #6

I’m no Shakespeare and I cannot believe
I was with just strangers, with heart on sleeve
When thinking of telling her, I drip sweat

Judge

I cannot believe we haven’t convicted the murderer yet

Juror #6

I speak in pentameter, which is rare

Judge

I don’t know what that means and I don’t care

The Great Elephant Trial

Prosecution

Please state your name for the jury

Witness

My name is Jerry Nicholson

Prosecution

Where did you last see the defendant – public enemy number one?

Defense

Objection, the question assumes facts not contained
In the evidence

Judge

The objection is not sustained
There is a saying that you probably interpreted totally incorrectly
Which is – when you assume you make an ass out of you and me
Democrats are donkeys, and he surely isn’t turning commie
So your objection is invalid. Too bad. Go cry to your mommy.

Witness

I saw him a few months ago at my store

Prosecution

Do you know what he was in there for?

Witness

He wanted poison, either strychnine or arsenic

Prosecution

Why did he want what can make one morbidly sick?

Witness He said that he needed to deal with a problem with rats

Prosecution

Like human rats? The murder victims? Could he have meant that?

Defense

Objection, your honor, the question is leading.

Judge

I think you need a band-aid, your liberal heart is bleeding
We need more leadership from those with national pride
Like the counsel for the prosecution – objection denied

Witness

Yes, I think he meant that. What you said is true

Prosecution

I have no further questions to ask of you


Judge

The counsel for the defense is not permitted to rise
Because he holds beliefs that I completely despise

Defense

That’s bullshit! I’m sure he does nothing but lie
I could’ve proved it by asking the color of the sky

Judge

First of all, that is no way to swear
f you want to say something’s unfair
Some much more appropriate expletives to use
Are communism and French – and since Elephant News
Is all I care to watch and it does not wait for me
I intend to get back home as soon as can be
And if you think that I am going to permit you to prolong
This trial by discrediting a witness, you are totally wrong
Now someone please make sure the defense attorney can’t speak
Since he’s offended me today more than enough for a week
(The counsel for the defense in dragged
Into a corner and bound and gagged
While the judge takes a call on his cellular phone
Which pleases him for reasons that shall be shown)

Unwarranted French-Bashing

Juror #3

Why are people like you always speaking negatively about
The French, yet a great symbol of the freedom that you tout
Was given to us by France – the Statue of Liberty
Your logic seems to be self-contradictory

Judge

Why did France give us a freedom statue? That’s easy
They hate freedom so they wanted it out of their country
And to fill the space it took up, the French authorities had a vision
To build statues to haughtiness and socialism and soap’s abolition
Five minutes ago, people like you would be permitted to roam
The streets, but Congress just voted to make your new home
In jail, just because with the French you sympathize
In times of war, freedom of speech no longer applies
And about my last comment, in case you weren’t sure
We’re combating disrespect, and this could be a long war

Juror #6

Is anyone else here chilled to the bone
Because of what our new judge has said?
I'm certain that I'll have nightmares in bed
And be scared to speak freely on the phone
Has America's heart been turned to stone?
We’ll fall if we follow where we’re now led
This could be worse than the scare they called red
Anyone agree? Am I all alone?
Didn’t Key say it’s the land of the free?
In Franklin or Jefferson’s ideal court
Decent attorneys would not get cut short
When trying to prove facts to a jury
If this kind of culture has to prevail
I, for one, would rather be sent to jail

Judge

You’re getting your wish and going up the creek
You should be grateful that I allowed you to speak
Jurors three and six are both anti-American disgraces
The two alternate jurors shall now take their places
And the only remaining lawyer shall interrogate
The murderer. Please hurry, it’s getting very late

Prosecution

You killed two people. Now tell me why.

Witness

I didn’t kill anyone

Judge

I’m hungry. Must you lie?

An Unexpected War

Intruder

I am here to act upon a declaration of war
Donna Jones offended me. I must settle the score
My son came back from school and no longer prays
Her daughter converted him to her godless hippie ways
I have the papers here to prove that I paid the proper fee
And she was told to prepare to face the wrath of me
At the post office they said they were sure
She’d get it by yesterday if not before
Hey judge, take a look

Juror #9
This isn’t right

Judge

The same could be said of a heavyweight fight
But it’s as binding as if you’d been subpoenaed

Juror #9

This is so unfair! I am being Katrinaed
I was given insufficient notice to escape a dangerous situation

Judge

That term is vile since it disrespects a great administration

Juror #9

Please help! Have you no heart?

Judge

Request denied
The two warring parties must now step outside
This court doesn’t need bloodstains on its wood
War in general is great, but up close it’s no good
(A shot is heard, and then a shriek -
That kind of occurrence would become far from unique)
Since the jury has eleven now, I’ll put myself in it
The trial must go on if the right side is to win it.

Prosecution

How can I get a confession out of you?

Witness

I will not confess to what I didn’t do
Prosecution

If not you than who on Earth should we prosecute instead?

Witness

As far as I know, no one that you said I killed is dead.

Prosecution

Are you suggesting that New York’s Finest would err
And arrest you for a double murder that didn’t occur?
Police are part of the government – is the government flawed?
Or did you do something that only terrorists would applaud?

Witness

That question can’t be valid. I’m certain that it breaks a rule

Judge

Answer or my gavel will become an orifice-probing tool

Witness

Fine, there current government is full of flaws
I feel like we’ve forgotten the purpose of laws

Judge

We would still get you for murder, but there is no reason
To deal with appeals when you just committed treason
Forever shall you be locked away
Never to again to see the light of day
And the gavel threat was just a bluff
Your skin isn’t nearly dark enough

A Different Sort of Jail

The journey to prison appeared to be planned to cause pain
With endless Toby Keith songs irritating any sensible brain
And a moving floor in the van eliminated kinetic control
We constantly crashed into each other and a hard metal pole
When we arrived, no one was in any shape
To resist the guards, let alone try to escape

As far as prisons go, this one looked rather odd
We were marched past tennis courts to a residential quad
Each of us went in a different building through the door
Tired from the trip, I trudged up stairs to the third floor
My room had five inside at the time, and it was built for four
Before the week was done, we’d have to squeeze in two more

We had very little drawer space and very little clothing
And little room to breathe which is a recipe for loathing
Between those whose compatibility you’d otherwise admire
The three young women in the suite drove tensions even higher
Our meals were served in a little kitchen in the hall
We all lost a bit of weight since the portions were small
Which many thought was the best thing about our stay
In this prison where we left the hall for two hours per day
Half of that was spent in a room where academic information
Had been replaced by totalitarian-style indoctrination
Those who didn't cooperate with the lecture were denied
The little free time the next day we were granted outside

Some nights they would give us excessive amounts of booze
Since they knew we had minds that they wished we’d lose
With nothing much else we could do, of course
We repeatedly accepted their Trojan Horse
The details of what followed I’d rather not tell
But it’s an understatement to say things didn’t go well

Looking back on it, I’m actually fairly thrilled
That of my seven roommates, nobody was killed
Intra-suite relations were failing catastrophically
In the third month when we heard the Caliph set us free
Since was there a Caliph? At that point I didn’t care
As long as someone gave the order to get me out of there

But I had nothing – It was taken away after the trial
At least my parents let me stay with them for a while
After a few days a message from Nick was electronically dispatched
To me saying that I could pick up Samantha with no strings attached

I left the next day, and this time around
I was much better prepared for the trek underground
Nick gave me a deed to a European House and a scroll
And I was finally re-united with my other half – I felt whole
We hugged and kissed and laughed and cried
The train door opened and we stepped inside
Speechless, I opened the scroll and read
As we traveled – this is what it said:

The Start of the Second Satanic Scroll

After I heard that the NRA had declared war
On the ACLU I knew it was high time for
Me to intervene, because careful examination of historical pages
Suggested Earth was headed for something much like the Dark Ages
If I couldn’t topple the administration that caused so much fear
But I couldn’t force them to leave – they’d have to volunteer
Because the benefits of wars and assassinations
Are almost always outweighed by the complications
I asked my most trusted advisor what he thought I should do
And my most widely respected offspring didn’t have a clue
Then it hit me like an apple falling from a tree
Jesus didn’t have to answer – the answer was he

I sent an E-mail to the President saying he was hereby presented
With the chance to have his legacy of supreme greatness cemented
By taking the one known as Jesus Christ by the hand
And introducing him to the world on American land

I told him that first he’d have to perform respectably in a debate
In three chances – one time he’d have to not seem third-rate
Which meant that his opponent would not do twice as well
Which quickly convinced him – he was going to Hell

Others weren’t as easily convinced – some suspected deception
But a simple traceable phone call put an end to that perception
I insisted that most important Republican officials absolutely had to come
Otherwise the President would surely return empty-handed, looking dumb –
Er than usual, so they all came so the Prez could be put to the test
It wasn’t that administration’s worst idea – but far from the best

Skipping ahead, this is what was said in debates lost
By the one challenging Shakespeare and Robert Frost

Yet Another Disastrous Failure

Nincompoop:
You should be called Fakespeare my sources say you didn’t write your own stuff
I almost tried to read it in school but my dog ate it. And then he went ruff ruff
I have a dog. And my dog could write better poems than you.
I bet you’re scared like I’m a ghost. Heh Heh. Boo.

Literary Legend:
You think you’re Caesar but you’re like Macbeth
Motivated primarily by greed –
You make people all over the world bleed
To cover for your mistakes that caused death
Of U.S. citizens there are a pleth-
Ora who are very surprised indeed
At how much you have managed to succeed
After decades with liquor on your breath
So far you’ve been a six summers’ nightmare
Neglecting problems if they are at home
While trying for empire like ancient Rome
You must know it’s evil and just don’t care
It is hard to believe but it is true
Claudius was more fit to rule than you


Pastoral Poet:
Two men declared they were candidates
One Democrat and one GOP
Neither one seemed to, be that great
I wished that those two would share the fate
Of not winning the presidency

For debate one was well prepared
He knew his facts and kept his cool
But the other one seemed confused and scared
And changed the subject each time there
Were topics not about faith or school

One was a hero in Vietnam
Then returned and was against war
The other sent kids off to fight Saddam
Although thanks to the husband of his mom
He never had to see that kind of gore

My eyes were swelling as if to cry
As to his loss one did admit
If only I could still vote, then I
I’d pick the one more qualified
The USA chose the idiot


The challenger was sweaty, looking tense
And said nothing of much consequence

What happened next was a test of priority
Would someone owing power to the Moral Majority
Challenge the one whose name gives them their authority?

Ever unwilling to back down from what he set out to achieve
Yet fully unprepared for the task, he said Jesus was naïve
For not spying on every friend foe and acquaintance that he made
And insisted that otherwise Judas probably wouldn’t have betrayed
Jesus, and then Jesus unleashed his full repertoire of verbal skill
Most onlookers looked impressed – the President looked ill